The World at 21 Degrees

In the midst of a dream – a good dream – Eva heard the alarm. At first it was incorporated into the dream itself. Reneé had been happily banging on her new toy and Jason was sitting behind her, showing her how to tap the hammer on the xylophone. Then the banging became rhythmic, pounding. Soon she couldn’t hear Reneé’s laugh or Jason’s gentle voice. Finally, even their images faded and it was replaced by a pulsating redness, and she knew that if she didn’t make it stop, she would never wake up.
But it stopped. At long last, Jason reached over and slammed his hand down onto the clock. 5:00 am. He had just enough time to shower, grab a cup of coffee, and then head to the lumber mill. Eva rolled back onto her left side—she, on the other hand, could fit in two more hours before Reneé woke up.
Unfortunately, when she closed her eyes, all she heard was the spackle of water ricocheting off the tile and Jason humming something they’d sung at church last night. He had a voice made for hymns.
Eva finally decided sleep was currently not an option and in a single movement, threw off her comforter and jumped to the closet to put on her terrycloth bathrobe. She trundled to the kitchen and turned on the light with a yawn. At least Reneé was sleeping through the night now; the colic had kept them both up regularly. Jason never got enough sleep as it was, so she’d volunteered to oversee most of the night shifts.
Eva spooned coffee grounds into the French press and clicked the switch on their electric kettle to heat. She wasn’t hungry, but shoved two pieces of bread into the toaster. As she waited with her eyes closed and arms hugged around her chest, she heard the water shut off and Jason rustled around their room looking for the clothes he’d laid out the night before.
The kettle began bubbling and she poured the water into the press. Jason walked in as the toast popped up.
“Hey, what are you doin’ up?” he asked as he stretched his arms wide and closed them around her waist from behind, and snuggled his chin into her shoulder.
“Weird dream. And your dumb alarm. Do you realize I wake up to that thing before you do every time?” Eva grumbled. Her eyes still weren’t open all the way.
“I’m sorry, love.” He kissed her cheek and straightened up. “Coffee smells good.”
“I made you toast.”
“Perfect! Now all I need are some Fruit Loops, an egg and some bacon, and I’ll be on my way,” he laughed.
Eva smiled half-heartedly. “You’re the reason I have to go shopping all the time—you and your lumberjack appetite.”
Jason laughed and opened the fridge. “Any more raspberry jam?”
“Check the lower right shelf.”
Jason grunted in affirmation and pulled it out, placed the toast on a napkin, and began smothering both pieces in glistening purple. Eva pushed down the press and reached for a mug. Warm aromas filled the air as she poured two cups.
Jason sat down at the table and Eva was about to sit opposite him, when he reached out and pulled her into his lap. “Much better,” he growled, and shoved a bite of toast into his mouth.
Eva smiled and wrapped her arm around his neck and nuzzled his wet hair. Gosh he smelled good.
“Guess what tomorrow is, hon,” Jason said stickily.
“Too early for guessing games, Jase.”
“It is our three year anniversary,” he announced with a grin.
Eva sat back with furrowed brow. “Uh, hon, we only celebrated our two year anniversary three months ago. Don’t you think you’re a little early?”
“Nope. Three years ago tomorrow, I kissed you for the first time, and you finally admitted that you loved me.”
“Ha! That doesn’t count,” she said as she sipped her coffee.
“Yuh-huh!”
“Nuh-uh! If you celebrate everything, then nothing’s special.”
“No sir,” he replied. “If you don’t celebrate every memory, you’ll lose ‘em all. We should have champagne every night, we’re so blessed.”
Eva smiled and helped eliminate some of those pesky crumbs all over his lips.
#
“Babababa,” Reneé babbled. “OOO-goohoo.”
Eva was feeding Reneé lunch, and Reneé thought her normal sounds were much more interesting when spoken through mushed rice.
“Bbbbbbrrrooooomm,” Eva sputtered as she swooped the plastic spoon through the air and into the giggling pink mouth.
Just then, the phone rang. Eva let Reneé clutch the spoon protruding from her face, double-checked the highchair, and turned to grab the wireless.
“Hello?” she asked.
“Hello, Mrs. Trathen?” a deep male voice answered.
“This is she. Who am I speaking to?”
“Ma’am, I’m John Gold from Ferndale Insurance Company. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but your life insurance policy lapsed yesterday. We sent you a letter, but didn’t hear back from you. Are you interested in renewing? After reviewing you and your husband’s age, financial situation, and health, we are excited to offer you the incredibly low monthly rate of $60.00 for you and your husband.”
Eva sighed. The man sounded friendly; she hated friendly salesmen—too hard to hang up on. She remembered the little yellow envelope she’d received a month ago. She began to silently weigh the expense, but one look at Reneé decided the matter for her.
“Okay, go ahead and renew our policy,” she said.
“Wonderful. All of us here at Ferndale wish our clients the best of health—” Eva smiled. I bet you do. “—but if anything should happen, please call me at 605-778-1225.”
“605-778-1225,” Eva murmured back as she hastily scrawled it on the back of a bill. “God willing, I’ll never have talk to you again,” she joked.
“Yes, ma-am. God willing.”
“Good-bye.”
“Good-bye.”
Eva turned back to find Reneé happily dumping the jar of mushed rice into her lap.
#
Reneé had just gone down for her 4:00 nap when the phone rang again. Cursing all noisy ring tones, Eva closed the nursery door behind her and scrambled for the phone.
“Hello, this is Eva.”
“Hey, Eva, this is Jill, down at the factory,” replied a somber female voice. “Eva… there’s been an accident.”
Eva blinked. “Go on.”
“Well, no one really knows what happened, but it seems that a crane claw slipped and…” Jill paused.
“And what, Jill?” whispered Eva vehemently.
“…and Jason was trapped underneath it.”
“Oh God.”
“The paramedics arrived within minutes, but, I’m afraid they were too late.”
“What do you mean, ‘too late’?” Eva was trembling.
“They said he probably didn’t experience much pain…” Jill mumbled.
“What do you mean, ‘too late’?!” Eva screamed.
Jill burst into tears. “Jason’s dead, Eva. They just pulled his body out from under the log and are driving it to the hospital. He died about 20 minutes ago.”

In that moment, Eva’s earth slipped several degrees. Eventually, she would become accustomed to the change, but forever after, she walked on a slanted world.

“…Eva?” Jill sniffed. “Eva, are you there?”

No, Eva was not. All she could see was a red pulse. That beat. That throbbed. That stopped.
#
Reneé had been driven to Eva’s mom’s house several miles away for a few days. Jill and some ladies from church had taken turns staying with Eva and taking care of the details that arose. Eva sat on the couch in her living room in navy blue sweats, staring at a tuna fish sandwich someone had placed in her hand. She didn’t remember taking that bite.
A strong knock resounded on the front door.
“I’ll get it!” Jill exclaimed and jumped up from the magazine she’d been reading.
On the doorstep stood a tall man, early-thirties, with already graying dark hair.
“Hello, may I help you?” Jill asked.
Eva’s gaze returned to her sandwich. Someone had foolishly put celery into the tuna.
“Well, ma’am, I’m John Gold, and I’m here on behalf of Ferndale Insurance.”
“Oh yes of course,” Jill answered. “Hold on a moment.” She turned and walked over to the couch. She sat down next to Eva and put her hand on her arm.
“Eva? There’s a gentleman here to talk to you about…”
“Yes, thank you, Jill, I know. I called him.” Eva shivered and stood up. “Thank you for coming, Mr. Gold. Won’t you come in?”
“Thank you,” Gold replied. He sat on a kitchen chair and said gently, “You called me yesterday. I’ve already talked to the mortuary and they are taking care of the funeral. I believe you said the service would be held at your church…?”
“Yes, that’s right,” she answered.
“There are a few forms to sign, but other than that, my company is here to take care of you and you daughter. Aside from the paperwork, I’m here to express my sincerest condolences and if there is anything more we can do, all you need do is ask,” he smiled. He had a good smile; slightly timid, but calm and reassuring.
“Thank you, Mr. Gold, you’ve been most helpful,” Eva said with her first smile since the phone call.
“Please,” he responded. “Call me John.”
#
As the pall bearers left the church and Eva followed them down the aisle, she was struck by the horrible, backwards parallelism: a happy day, a white dress, walking towards the altar, contrasted to this sad day, in her black dress, walking away.
To her right, sitting in the second to last pew, she noticed John Gold, sitting in a dark blue suit, watching her with compassion. Tiny wrinkles were beginning to accent his eyes, but the deepest crease today was between his eyebrows. When she glanced at him, a hint of a smile of encouragement lit his eyes, then she looked away.
She didn’t see him at the reception and she thought it was odd that she should notice his absence. Jason’s presence had settled onto the person of his little daughter, but she kept expecting to find John at the drink table, waiting to offer her a glass.
Her mother found her instead.
“Eva…” her mom whispered before tearing up. “Eva, I’m so sorry.”
Eva, catching even herself off guard, managed to squeeze out a smile. “I’m alright, Mom. Listening to the Reverend speak was… soothing.”
“Yes, yes,” her mom replied. “He is definitely in a better place.”
Eva cringed. Better than here? Better than with me and Reneé?
“I know this may be too soon,” her mom continued. “But have you thought of what you’ll do now?”
“Yes, Mother. It is too soon,” Eva murmured through clenched teeth.
“Well, I just want you to consider leaving Reneé with me for a couple more days; you know, while you look for a job…” her voice trailed off at the look of horror on Eva’s face.
She’d have to get a job. She’d be a working single mother. Reneé would grow up in those ghastly, impersonal day-care centers she’d heard about from other parents.
Eva, without a second glance, walked away from her mother and up the stairs into her bedroom and shut the door.
#
Single moms are rarely afforded the luxury of prolonged grief. After rejecting her mother’s offer to care for Reneé – she’s all I have left – she’d committed herself to helping the child readjust to the loss of a parent. She woke up Thursday morning at 7:00 am, just like normal. She turned on the classical music station to help Reneé wake up slowly, made coffee – she accidentally put in two cups’ worth of grounds – and threw out the box of Fruit Loops. She ate Cheerios and stared at the words, “Gas Prices Skyrocket” on the front of the Belle Fourche’s Gazette for at least ten minutes. Then she woke up Reneé and began… life.
On Friday, the doorbell rang and Eva opened the door to see Mr. Gold on the front step.
“Hello, Ms. Trathen.” He shifted his weight and instead of the briefcase he’d brought last time, he held a well-creased sheet of turquoise paper in his hand. “I, uh, am here to see how you’re doing.”
Eva took a deep breath and considered. “As best as one could hope to be, I suppose.”
Gold nodded and stared down at the paper in his hands. He opened his mouth, and then closed it again with a quick exhalation.
“Is there anything I can do for you, Mr. Gold?” Eva asked.
“Well, see… there’s this event, uh, a concert, at my church down the road, and I, uh…” Gold swallowed, hesitated and thrust the paper towards her as he blurted out, “…and I was wondering if you’d like to join me.”
Eva had not been expecting that to follow. She paused, and accepted the paper. It read:
“Fourche’s First Presbyterian Church proudly presents Haroka Yi May, first cellist of the South Dakota Symphony Orchestra.” Below were listed several classical artists, of which she only recognized Vivaldi.
She looked up and returned the paper to him. As his face began to fall, she said, “I’d love to.”
#
The concert was wonderful, as was the hot chocolate they shared afterwards. And the following week, Eva had enjoyed John’s company when they went to see a film about penguins in Antarctica. Within a month, he was stopping by for dinner at her apartment once or twice a week.
The most important thing in Eva’s life was Reneé. Fortunately, the insurance and her mom and Jason’s folks were all helping to support her, so that no urgency was attached to her cursory searches through the Classifieds, and Reneé could stay at home. The women of her old church stopped by occasionally to drop off meals and chat over tea, and each day Eva found it a little easier to wake up in an empty bed. Reneé hadn’t formulated the word “Dada” but she knew he was missing and had been subdued for quite some time afterwards. She no longer looked up from her toys when someone walked into the room.
After dinner one evening, Eva mentioned this briefly to John, as she watched Reneé sit in her baby chair and stare at her video “Babies and Baby Animals.”
“The thought of her growing up without Jason makes me nauseous. All the parent guides say that a father is critical in the development of a daughter’s life,” Eva complained.
“Yes, it is hard,” John sipped on his coffee and his brow furrowed again.
Eva realized this might be an awkward subject and began to apologize. “I’m sorry, John, I didn’t mean to—“
“Eva, please don’t apologize. To tell you the truth, it’s something I’ve been thinking about quite a lot recently.”
“Oh?” Eva asked.
“Yes.” He stopped, held the mug a little tighter, and said, “Eva, I’ve come to care for you and Reneé quite a lot in the past few months, and I…” He stopped again.
Eva held her breath. “What?” she asked.
John shook his head.
“No, please, what were you thinking?” she pressed.
“Well, as you know, I’ve never been married. One broken engagement seemed enough for quite some time, but… I’d really like to be able to care for you both, somehow.”
He looked up at her and stared at her intently.
“I guess what I’m saying is… I wonder if you’d consider the possibility of marrying me,” he continued.
Eva sat back in her chair. Then got up and began pacing. She knew that every second was agony to John – it was for her as well – but she could not answer. On one hand, her heart was still Jason’s, but Jason was gone. Reneé needed a father. Eventually the insurance money would run out and she did, in fact, like John. But could she marry him? Could she marry anyone else? She put her hands on the sink and dropped her head.
“Eva…” John asked.
She waved at him to stop. Eva Gold. Reneé Trathen Gold. And the scales shifted. She looked back at him, and whispered, “Okay.”
He looked at her with surprise, and then a smile lit up his face. He stood up and walked to her at the sink.
“Are you sure? I mean, I know this is sudden. If you need more time to consider…?” he asked.
John had blue eyes. Eva had never noticed that before. She liked his eyes.
“No, John. I don’t need anymore time. My answer is yes, I would like to marry you,” and a smile slowly took control of her mouth.
There were no fireworks, no airy castle… Just his arms, wrapped around her, and his head resting on hers.